Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
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If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
That’s what I call a flat tire
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.