People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Sending in my taxes
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care