Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here