Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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Its a hippotatomus
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.