Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
(Jupiter –
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
The Punning Dead.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.