Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
At least my masseuse has my back.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole