I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
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I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Mouse
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours