Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
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Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me: