*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
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Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Guy who likes music
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
umm…
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office