If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
You Might Also Like
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there