boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”