When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
What?!?