So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
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Lmaoo 😂
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”