You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Time heals everything 🙂