after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
ibopfufen
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.