Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Lol.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction