Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Can’t stop laughing
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.