I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
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Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
waiting for halloween be like:
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I think they could have phrased this better
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential