I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.