I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Spring of Deception
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.