Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S