Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
*looks at you in batman voice*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]