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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings