Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
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Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.