“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
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My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Thursday
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories