date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.