[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
he was correct
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”