If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
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[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.