Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
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me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo