morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
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ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Barbie gone wild
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Awesome parenting 😂
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”