Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume