Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it