True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
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Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I have so many questions.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Strangers have the best candy.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Yes my dude
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too