Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people