– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?