howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
These work great until they don’t.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Jail
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.