Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
NASA has no chill
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.