I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube