Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
You Might Also Like
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I’d use my best pan on you.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Blew out my flip flop…
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter