No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
ok this is my dumbest yet