Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”