Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Them: Just act casual
Me:
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday