Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Nice try Hitler
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.