You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to