“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Baller is short for ballerina
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: