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“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.