Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.