I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
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I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.