teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Where is your GOD now????
Breaking news:
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-