Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
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A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly